Following her husband’s death, Lore Powell, PRiME contributor, kept a journal she refers to as “The Grief Project.” She is graciously allowing us to share her entries with you, our readers.
Today marks the one month anniversary of my husband’s death. In general, I don’t like to keep track of these type of milestones, but I somehow see it as my road map for the future. What have I accomplished this past month? What did I learn? How did I do? By seeing it as a project plan for the future, I anticipate and hope for relief from the pain. When will I accomplish sleeping through the night? When will I stop looking for his car in the driveway? When will I stop excusing myself from meetings when the realization that I will never see him again crushes me and brings me to my knees? In order to stay sane, I plan my “project” milestones. I gather goals and I work towards them, using the end of each month as my completion date.
By the end of the month, I’d like to do the following:
- Quit rolling my eyes and damning the holidays…now they are constant reminders of my new status of “alone.” I will accept holidays, perhaps learn to welcome them again. HOWEVER, I will crawl through the bowels of Hell before I embrace Valentine’s Day this year. Valentine’s Day can kiss my sorry ass. I won’t even give in and eat a red velvet cupcake. (Please check back with me on that, if it has cream cheese frosting I may make an exception).
- I will smile more and it won’t be that forced grimace puss face I’m walking around with now. It will be genuine.
- I will be grateful. Don’t get me wrong, I am reminded every day of my blessings, but I will stop for a moment when I’m damning the world for my current circumstance and recognize that I am not alone in my pain. Whether I plan to fully participate is completely up to me. It hurts like hell to get dressed in the morning and know that I have to participate in life, but big deal. Life won’t wait.
- I will listen to KC and the Sunshine Band.
- I will begin to plan for a kitchen remodel.
- I will make inappropriate 3rd husband jokes again.
- I will clean the basement.
OK…..Whoa…I’m getting a little carried away. Currently, just getting out of the house in pants seems like I’m winning.
If you see me in the next month, please remind me of this checklist. I can be a slacker…as confirmed during the last snowfall. A sincere thank you to the person who shoveled my drive. I’m embarrassed to say that the thought did cross my mind that it would all melt in the spring. I promise…I will do better.