I’m searching for “the one.” When I find “the one” then I’ll live happily ever after. Imagine searching for a mirror in your purse. You’re digging through to find the one mirror. You know it’s in there – somewhere. After shifting your keys, wallet, and the tube of lipstick around, you find the mirror. Wa la! I found it – “the one” – the mirror. Thinking there’s “one” great job, house, dress or romantic partner, as examples, keeps us in a scarcity mindset. In dating, having more than one candidate eliminates the scarcity mindset.
However, when a woman has only one candidate, she will prematurely commit to someone she really doesn’t know. She goes in too soon, too deep and cancels out other candidates. If she’s met him through an online dating site, she will take down her profile and shut down opportunities to have comparisons. It’s the equivalent of posting a job that needs to be filled on your team and taking the posting down when you get one resume.
What she knows of her new romantic interest is his “public persona” and we all have one, by the way. Think of co-workers and other casual acquaintances you’re getting to know – you know them in particular settings and in small bits of time. You know them professionally and/or socially. It’s not that these people are deceiving you. Many times it’s about the onion and all the rings that make up the onion. Getting to know someone – anyone – is a process and takes time. This is why it is so important that a woman keeps herself open in the dating process.
Before you take a detour that takes you off track by choosing Mr. Right Now, you may wish to examine the why behind your choice. Usually Mr. Right Now is filling a void: either of loneliness, a feeling of fitting in better or solving some other problem in your life, i.e., will make me happier.
By shifting to an abundance mindset in dating, it allows you to move from searching to sorting through all possible candidates. By changing your mindset and creating a systematic approach of developing relationship candidates, you are, in fact, building the best strategy in sorting the right long term partner for you. Using smart business strategies that you know all too well can be applied in dating and relationships. The key is to hire slowly – fire quickly.
Not having a real vision for why and what will lead your business down the path of nowhere. You may have a lot of nice employees, but, the business won’t do well if charm was the criteria in hiring them. The same is true for the vision you hold of a long term partner. As with any position you need to fill on your team, start with a job description:
- What do you need in a long term partner? These needs should be directly tied to your values which, in turn, attracts more of the right type of man for you. The values exercise that my clients use to narrow down their top 5 values is very effective.
- What is non-negotiable? An administrative assistant must type no matter how much you like the person.
- What is a deal breaker? A receptionist can’t be rude or abrasive.
- Through casual conversation and, over time, you can find out:
- How the person has handled conflict in the past by getting examples; or
- How social he is – if you need someone social for the kind of life you want to create.
While continuing to qualify other candidates, you’ll want to have a probationary period for those who’ve made it through the interview process before they’re able to receive full benefits. In the realm of dating, full benefits equals sexual intimacy. Most companies apply a 90 day probationary period and, while we never fully know anyone at 90 days, the clock starts ticking in spending time with your candidates. What will be your criteria for passing the probationary period? No signs of anger, lying and addictions, perhaps? Ask yourself, am I enjoying his company? Do I find myself inspired by what he’s saying? Is this person doing his best to please and care for my needs? With whom am I more able to be my authentic self?
Exclusivity is earned through courtship. Basic opportunity costs, like missing out on other candidates, dating experiences, happiness and good relationships. This occurs by giving too much, too soon, too fast. Just as in finding the right person for your team, you will find several candidates that you like and in whom you are interested. You need to go deeper to learn more about them by continuing to have experiences with them until one brings his A-game and wins you over.
