Part of the Women Over 50 — What Really Works? Series
What gets in the way of us being able to forge ahead and stay on purpose? Why do we sometimes hesitate to speak up? Show our true selves? We see ourselves as confident, but we still hold back sometimes… I’ve studied this problem for many years, especially when working with coaching clients. Even very successful people have these moments of self-doubt and catch themselves unsure of what to say or do next.
First of all, we need to stop beating ourselves up about it! How important is it to be right every minute of every day? What’s wrong with not knowing?
Is Fear Stopping You?
I believe the source of this problem is:
- Fear of being disapproved of
- Fear of being a disappointment to ourselves and others
- And/or fear of not meeting the high standards we have set for ourselves or that we perceive to be expected by others.
>READ: CONQUER YOUR FEAR OF FAILURE IN 3 EASY STEPS
In those moments, we don’t feel very purposeful. In fact, we feel somewhat useless! Which is the most probable outcome when we are ruled by fear.
I also believe this comes from institutionalized patriarchy, an insidious system of oppressive hierarchical structures that have been passed down from generation to generation. And I believe this system is as detrimental to men as it is to women.
A Society That Makes Us Feel Less Than
In fact, when I tell groups of people about my organization, the Great Girls Network, which was founded to give women a sacred space to be authentic, speak up for themselves, and feel supported and encouraged by other women, invariably, several of the men in the room say they wish they could join. Most men don’t feel any better about themselves in the world than women do! And they wish they could have a safe place to feel vulnerable and truly express themselves.
So we have a society where women feel less than in many situations. And then we find out that men also do, even though they are conditioned to keep up a front of confidence. We walk around making up stories about each other, all based on the fantasy that others are somehow better off than we are.
Take Ownership of Your Life and Purpose
In my years of focusing on my own personal development and working with hundreds of clients, I have concluded that this whole thing is an inside job. That no matter what we see going on around us, it is still up to us to change our perceptions and change our ways of seeing the world. It is up to us to take full responsibility for our success and, even more important, our happiness and sense of power in the world.
I have concluded that this whole thing is an inside job.
That is why I now urge you to question everything. Here are some things to ask yourself:
- Why do I insist on being so pleasing to others? Isn’t it possible for me to just be here and be who I am? Do I have to put their opinion of me above my own?
- Do I quickly make allowances for others’ bad behavior yet condemn myself harshly if I perceive that I have “stepped out of line” in one way or another? Why? Is it really true that they deserve more leeway than I do?
- Do I so easily defer to men in business situations? Why do I make up the story that they somehow know more than I do?
- Why have I read countless books and articles about “power” behavior, then not notice when I put myself in a subservient position in a conference or meeting?
- Do I wait to talk until I’m sure what I have to say will be important? Why don’t I just join the conversation and brainstorm my way through it?
- And why can’t I relax and just be myself and see what happens next?
>READ: A PURPOSEFUL LIFE WILL HELP YOURSELF AND OTHERS
What Happens When You Overcome Fear?
It has taken me years to not slip into the behaviors I have just described. And yes, my years of experience have paid off for me. I no longer feel less-than when I enter a room, and I don’t worry about what others think of me. Mainly because I think that is their business, not mine.
>READ: FACING OUR FEARS AND SLAYING DRAGONS
The important point I am stressing here is that when you stop worrying about being liked, approved of, accepted, etc., by others and just like yourself, approve of yourself, accept yourself, you will find that others will reflect that back to you. By coming from a place of fear, we get the exact experience we are afraid of reflected back to us!
It’s Time to Overcome Fear And Decide For Yourself That You Matter
Fear keeps us from feeling purposeful and useful and ultimately having a sense of happiness and peace within ourselves. There are many who offer you a sense of peace if you follow their recommendations. But the bottom line is that you are the one who has to decide, for yourself, that you matter, that you have value, and that you have a right to be here and be happy about it.
That lack of feeling purposeful is a major contributor to a lack of inner peace. And we do this to ourselves. I hope this article gives you some more things to think about on your journey of self-awareness. Just writing it has given me more food for thought and reminds me of ways I can keep feeling steady and on course in my daily life.
Read Next:
Overcoming Fear Can Change Your Life
